You know you're Australian if …
* You believe that stubbies can be either drunk or worn.
* You think it's normal to have a leader called Kevin.
* You waddle when you walk due to the 53 expired petrol discount
vouchers stuffed in your wallet or purse.
* You believe it is appropriate to put a rubber in your son's pencil
case when he first attends school.
* You're liable to burst out laughing whenever you hear of Americans
"rooting" for something.
* You understand that the phrase 'a group of women wearing black
thongs' refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds.
* You pronounce Melbourne as 'Mel-bn'.
* You pronounce Penrith as 'Pen-riff'.
* You believe the 'l' in the word 'Australia' is optional.
* You can translate: 'Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to
* You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate its
highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep.
* You call your best friend 'a total bastard' but someone you really,
truly despise is just 'a bit of a bastard'.
* You think 'Woolloomooloo' is a perfectly reasonable name for a place.
* You're secretly proud of our killer wildlife.
* You believe it makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that's
twice as big as its $2 coin.
* You understand that 'Wagga Wagga' can be abbreviated to 'Wagga' but
'Woy Woy' can't be called 'Woy'.
* You believe that cooked-down axle grease makes a good breakfast
spread. You've also squeezed it through Vita Wheats to make little
* You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they
stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwis.
* Hamburger with Beetroot? Of course!
* You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during any
rendition of the Angels' song 'Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again'.
* You believe that the confectionery known as the Wagon Wheel has
become smaller with every passing year.
* You wear ugh boots outside the house.
* You believe that every important discovery in the world was made by
an Australian but then sold off to the Yanks for a pittance.
* You believe that the more you shorten someone's name the more you
* Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order
takeaway fluently in every Asian language.
* You understand that 'excuse me' can sound rude, while 'scuse me' is
* You know what it's like to swallow a fly, on occasion via your nose.
* You know it's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to
handle and a seat belt buckle becomes a pretty good branding iron.
* Your biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules for
* You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what they
call 'Anzac cookies'.
* You still think of Kylie as 'that girl off Neighbours'.
* You believe the phrase 'smart casual' refers to a pair of black
tracky-daks, suitably laundered.
* You understand that all train timetables are works of fiction.
* When working on a bar, you understand male customers will feel the
need to offer an excuse whenever they order low-alcohol beer.
* You know how to abbreviate every word, all of which usually end in
-o: arvo, combo, garbo, kero, lezzo, metho, milko, muso, rego, servo,
smoko, speedo, righto etc.
* You know that there is a universal place called "woop woop" located
in the middle of nowhere…no matter where you actually are.
* You know that none of us actually drink Fosters beer, because it
tastes like shit. But we let the world think we do. Because we can.
* You have some time in your life slept with Aeroguard on in the
summer. Maybe even as perfume.
* You've only ever used the words – tops, ripper, sick, mad, rad, sweet
– to mean good. And then you place 'bloody' in front of it when you
REALLY mean it.
* You know that the barbeque is a political arena; the person holding the tongs is always the boss and usually a man. And the women make the salad.
* You say 'no worries' quite often, whether you realise it or not.
* You've drank your tea/coffee/milo through a Tim Tam.
* You own a Bond's chesty. In several different colours.
* You've ordered a steak the size of your head and only paid $5 at your local RSL.
* You know you that roo meat tastes pretty good, but not as good as barra. Or a meat pie.
* You know that some people pronounce Australia like "Strayla" and that's ok.
* And you will immediately forward this list to other Australians, here and overseas, realising that only they will understand.
With thanks to Aussie neighbor Rob.